How to Want a Spouse, Part 2

Review: Adopting a Selfish Spousal Attitude

If you recall, the main emphasis from this passage is to adopt a selfish spousal attitude. We should have an attitude that says, "I want my spouse." We're selfish for our spouse. That's who we want specifically.

If we don't have a marriage relationship yet, the response to this passage is to look forward with great expectation to somebody coming along—not necessarily a phenomenal spouse for us, but someone we can be a phenomenal spouse for. Spend less time praying, "Lord, bring me a good spouse," and more time praying, "Lord, make me a good spouse." Make me fully capable and equipped to do these things for a spouse, either now or in the future.

The world's attitude is to find someone as an object for your own pleasure and satisfaction. That's why divorce rates are high. But embracing the Christian attitude—I want my spouse to glorify Christ—leads us to desire the magnificence of our role from verses 22 to 33.

What must it be like to be a wife who submits to and respects her husband, glorifying Christ above temporary pleasures? What must it be like to be a husband, the sole representative of Jesus Christ in the marriage?

When we embrace these attitudes, we develop a desire: "I want my spouse. I want someone I can love this way in marriage. I can't wait." If married and not fulfilling these roles, recognize you're settling for a subpar marriage, shooting your sights too low. Fulfill your role—it's within your ability as a Spirit-indwelt Christian.

Evaluating Potential Spouses

Ask yourself about someone of the opposite sex: Does this person demonstrate the qualities from Ephesians 5? Don't settle for less. As a woman, ask: Will this man love me like Jesus loves me? As a man, ask: Will this woman follow me like she follows Christ?

Examine their relationship with Jesus: Do they follow Him, submit to His commands? Do they put off the old self and put on the new? Do they associate with Christians, or is bad company corrupting good morals? Are they filled with the Spirit, not drunk with wine or reliant on substances?

James 3:2 – We all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.

Ladies, a man who controls his tongue is a host of options—simplifying to preference among godly men. Do they rebel against authorities? Contribute to the church's spiritual well-being? For ladies: Does he give himself up for others, sacrificially giving time? A man who gives up his time will give it for you—like Christ, who never leaves or forsakes.

Observe how he treats women now (mother, sisters, sisters in Christ). If rude to them but sweet to you, the real him emerges in marriage. A tongue-controlled man provides safety, responding with the Savior, not sin.

Men: A woman who will submit fully shows resistance now. Resistance to marriage-only activities proves she'll save those privileges for commitment. These come naturally in marriage—no need for sex ed or premature flirtation. Learn pleasures from your spouse in marriage; it's revolutionary and God-glorifying.

But we need God's Word for spiritual, emotional roles. Life's realities—taxes, infertility, tragedy—require a firm foundation. Ice cream-sharing doesn't help; biblical manhood and womanhood do.

How much does she resist marriage-only activities? A woman under spiritual headship (father or church elders) abides in protection, fulfilling her supportive role. That's how you know she'll submit to you.

Women demonstrating "I want my spouse" become androphobic—fearing, reverencing their husband.

1 Peter 3:5 – For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything.

Christ-motivated, she values him: respects, esteems, invests in his interests, encourages, converses knowledgeably—without mastering them.

Men's Role: Sacrificial Love Like Christ

Gentlemen, embracing "I want my wife to love her like Christ" excites with responsibility. But danger: Don't mimic pre-incarnate Christ's authority to dominate, miracle-working Christ to wow, or debater Christ to silence. Imitate suffering Servant Christ who died for the church.

Be willing to die for her enjoyment. Sacrifice: Break your back providing; she's most important—choose her over friends. Turn off filth that bothers her. Repent of sin for her sanctification. Value her holiness above all.

Success: Year after year, she's more holy, more like Christ. Conflict is good (produces intimacy); sinful responses are bad. Ladies represent Christ in submission—like Jesus to the Father.

Foundation: Firm in God's Word. Sacrifice for sanctification. Wash her with the Word—know it enough to surround her. Respond biblically to taxes, hormones, everything. Protect, nourish, value her as your own body—no harm, for loving her is loving yourself.

The Ultimate Purpose of Marriage

Marriage isn't your happily ever after. You're a tool for its purpose.

Ephesians 5:31-32 – Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Marriage is a profound mystery revealing Christ and church. From Genesis 2, it demonstrates gospel love and sacrifice. If we fail roles, we misrepresent the gospel. Jesus's commitment is eternal—no exit like Disney endings.

Marriage glorifies God, displays the gospel—not propagation or temporary happiness. Stay married for Christ's glory, gospel integrity—not feelings. True joy comes from prioritizing God's glory.