How to Want a Spouse, Part 1

Ephesians 5:22-33: Marriage as a Picture of Christ and the Church

As you turn to Ephesians 5:22-33, the passage addresses wives and husbands with profound instructions rooted in Christ's relationship to the church.

Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Why This Passage Matters for the Unmarried

This text might seem directed only at married people, but it offers vital lessons for everyone—especially those far from marriage. Even if you're single now, the chances are high you'll marry someday. Understanding biblical marriage equips you for that future. You don't need to be married to grasp or apply God's Word on the subject. Anyone can encourage others biblically about marriage, regardless of their own status.

Consider counseling a married man who abused his wife. Despite being younger and unmarried, confronting him with Scripture shut down his excuses. You just need to know what God says.

The Core Attitude: "I Want My Spouse"

This passage teaches a primary attitude toward marriage applicable to married and unmarried alike: I want my spouse. If you don't have a spouse yet, adopt this mindset now. It's crucial for singles interested in the opposite sex.

The world pushes a selfish view: find someone who makes you laugh, feel special, fulfills your needs. It's all about "me"—catering to your emotions and desires, waiting for "Mr. Right" who bends to your will.

That's not wrong in moderation—making your spouse laugh or feel special is good. But the world's low bar sets marriage as a fairy-tale fix for your life, like Disney's Cinderella waiting for a prince to rescue her. Scripture raises the bar far higher.

"I want my spouse" means you become Mr. or Mrs. Right. It's you-focused preparation for marriage, desiring a spouse so you can fulfill your role to them.

• For women: "I want my husband so I can be a godly wife, submitting as the church to Christ."
• For men: "I want my wife so I can love her sacrificially, like Christ loves the church."

Romantic relationships glorify God—that's the Christian motivation. Glory means celebration of something awesome, like a winning touchdown sparking crowd excitement. Christ's salvation deserves that and more, yet we often treat it routinely.

Date and marry to make God famous, displaying His gospel through your relationship. Ladies, rejoice at the template for godly wifehood. Gentlemen, embrace being Christ to your wife, pursuing her from sin's mire as He did the church.

If singleness is your path for undivided kingdom focus, that's commendable. But for romantic pursuits, "I want my spouse" means "I want Christ's glory."

Not Just Anybody: Discernment Before Commitment

This attitude means you can't glorify God with just anyone. It rejects casual dating and easy breakups. Seek someone you can serve biblically—and who will serve you that way.

Examine potential partners by their walk with Christ:

• Do they show affection, excitement, and consistency toward Christ?
• Do they worship beyond songs—through service and attitude? A bad attitude isn't worship.
• Do they esteem God's Word? Indifference to Scripture shows little reverence for God speaking.
• Are they putting off the old self and putting on Christ (Galatians 2:20)? Is sin decreasing, righteousness increasing?
• Do they repent consistently, or practice and improve at sin?

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

Galatians 2:20

• Are they filled with the Spirit, not drunk with wine? Drunkenness resists the Spirit—unattractive and dangerous, signaling lack of control.

For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.

James 3:2

• Do they control speech—no flippant cursing or inappropriate words? Uncontrolled speech foreshadows uncontrolled actions in emotional situations.
• Do they avoid pointless activities that produce sin, wasting time together without purpose?
• Do they submit to authorities—parents, teachers, government, institutions—as Scripture commands (unless it means sinning)? Rebellion isn't cool.
• Do they contribute to church ministry, equipping saints? Even simple encouragement counts.

Scrutinize to avoid heartache. Someone may seem perfect, then change—but due diligence honors God. Don't settle; pursue only for God's glory. This applies in marriage too: exclusivity fulfills covenant joys, seeking them elsewhere is idolatry.

For Ladies: Spot Christlike Qualities in Him

Does he sacrificially give himself for others? Watch his time:

• Prefers video games or sports over church/outreach?
• Drops everything to respond to you, like Christ never leaves His church?

How does he treat other sisters in Christ? His mother? Familiarity reveals true character—snapping or disregarding her predicts marriage behavior.

For Gentlemen: Look for Godward Submission

The best sign she'll submit in marriage: she resists you now—not snubbing, but guarding purity, honoring her father/elders/Scripture over your lead, since you're not her head yet.

If she submits to God now, she'll submit to you as His image later—even when you fail. Love Christ so much she esteems you as His picture.

Ladies, cultivate "androphobia"—not fear of husbands (Greek: andros = man/husband, phobos = fear), but reverence, honor, respect.

For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

1 Peter 3:5-6

Don't fear spiders or the frightening—fear (revere) your husband as Christ. Sarah called Abraham "lord" freely, not enslaved. True submission admires his qualities, feelings, wishes; avoids harm; encourages success. You're God's antidote to his insufficiency—never discourage or criticize.

Your respect for him reflects your respect for Christ. Emotions grounded in him free you from chaos.